fear and loathing

someday we'll look back and
laugh like we used to
"remember the time----"
"no, stop, you're embarrassing me"
and you'll wave it off with a
flick of bony wrist
you'll be whole again
and i'll pretend i don't remember

did you know you were bending,
a sick sapling come untied?
i never understood you,
and the things you said were too
dead and empty and i thought you were
trying to make me laugh
(you used to do that;
you were happy a minute ago)

here's to the years and the crowds
"go ahead, i'll look for your ribcage
and catch up later"
you were perfect a minute ago,
but now you're nicotine and aspartame and
i'm crashing into stainless steel,
water-bottle waves you've made in the back seat,
wishing on the clock radio
twisting dials
tuning into my nightmares
(can you see in the space where
my eyebrows knot together,
your face is getting smaller
you're too small
there's not enough of you to love)

i can't hold you anymore,
you're a specimen, and there's too much for you
to chip away
"can you reach around me twice yet?"
"i don't want to"
i don't know what to say to you,
your bones are choking me,
they weren't there a minute ago
(there's not enough of you left to remember)

we used to hold hands,
but now i'm scared to touch you like
if i stand too close, you'll break in half,
snapped like a rubber band holding my fears in place,
broken, spilling trepidation like a neck wound

i tried to be perfect, too
(get out of bed, you're pathetic)
i want to wrap you in soil and
grow you back to oak-tree perfection,
standing tall,
branches wrapped around clouds---
i want to rip you into kindling,
bleach my bones and tear them out
(you'll never be whole again,
but we can be broken together)

i used to know you;
tangled thoughts, we used to
say the same words together
but you've withered
and my roots grow on alone,
stretched in circles around your fingertips
your knuckles twisted where
you'll split along the seams---
i used to worry,
but you scare me,
i don't know what to say to you;
i don't know who you are, but
i loved you a minute ago